A while back I was asked to speak with a group of DC educators on the topic of  “What Triggers Us and Why It Matters”.

As a coach I love to get to the root cause of whatever is either working or not working for my clients. Causes are critical. And the cause of a particular trigger can perplex even the most self-aware person.

So I shared three primary causes for what I think triggers most of us most of the time.  The first two are psychological, and the last, physiological: values violations, personal insecurities, and a constrained physiological bandwidth (bandwidth constrained because we are unwell, under-exercised, tired, poorly nourished or too stressed to attend to what really matters).

The most painful and perplexing of these three are our own personal insecurities.

Not Enough or Too Much?

Most of our insecurities are rooted in feelings of “not being enough” or of “being too much”.  Perhaps you say, “I am not smart enough for that job,” or “I am not good looking enough for that man or woman,” or “I am too energetic for that friend,” etc.

And most of us have a dominant insecurity.  For instance, I am almost entirely a “too mucher”.

So I came out of the personal insecurity closet with my educators.  Best to model good behavior just like they do every day with their students.

I shared the story of how, in 2009, my ten-year relationship surprisingly ended.  It was a dark period where I grieved, screamed, cried, and blamed my ex for all of my sadness.  Soon (not soon enough for this impatient man) I realized, with the help of a coach and many friends and family members, that I would never move on until I faced my personal insecurity head on.

I sort of have a big personality, and although it serves me very well most of the time, after my break-up I convinced myself I was too much for one person to enjoy and to love.  I thought I overwhelmed my ex then (which I did, hence the breakup) and (and this is a huge and) that I would overwhelm anyone who ever tried to love me in the future.

No wonder I was so broken up (heck they call it a break up for a reason).

It was my foundational insecurity rooted in many past experiences and beliefs.

Then I created an exercise that allowed these teachers to open up about their triggers.

We learned that once we understand the cause of our triggers we can then experiment with strategies for dealing with them in ways that produce substantial growth and development without pretending we can ever eliminate all of our insecurities.

I learned once again that teachers are the best students.  We must all become students of our own physiology and psychology.

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If you have any questions about coaching please feel free to contact me at scott@kineticcoaching.co, and remember I always offer a complimentary 30-45 minute session to prospective clients to determine if we want to work together.