After my last long term relationship ended in 2009 and the dust settled, my older sister Jill half jokingly suggested some benchmarks that would help me to assess the viability of future suitors.

In the moment it was tongue-in-cheek.  But soon after the conversation I realized it did help to guide me through a dating process that sometimes can seem entirely random.  Here are the parameters and why she chose them:

Jill’s Preclearance . . .

1. He must be an American citizen or possess a Green Card . . .

Why? She witnessed how my ex’s European nationality made it difficult and quite stressful for us to live both in Europe and America as an LGBT couple.  This will soon no longer be an issue as my country and its leaders rapidly embrace greater equality.  Her point though was not to overcomplicate the situation.

2. He must be geographically desirable . . .

Why? Living within the same city/suburbs means that the relationship has a more organic flow without the hardships of long distance difficulties.

3. He must be age appropriate . . .

Why? She argued that someone five-ten years in either direction maximizes the likelihood of commonalities.  Not sure I am totally bought in on this one, but it is something to consider when you assess someone’s actual age vs. their spiritual age.

What started as a joke has actually helped me to decide my degree of buy-in during the initial courting phase.  Obviously I want these to be used from a posture of “best interest” and not from “fear of intimacy.”

The greatest weakness with this preclearance, however, is it does not help me beyond date number one.

Because I am a little kooky and love an assessment, I have come up with five additional criteria to help me beyond that first date.

It’s called the COPPS Criteria.  It’s quite simple.  After he meets Jill’s Preclearance (and my interpretation of it), to what degree does he possess . . .

1. Creativity: I love a man who can take a photograph, make a delicious meal, decorate a room, dance, draw, and carve a pumpkin . . . all things I am terrible at and I marvel at when I see done with apparent ease.  I also love creativity in appearance . . . willing to be fashion forward (and does not wear jeans and black shirts all the time!)

2. Optimism: I love a man who sees the glass as half full and fills it up even more with his own efforts and industry.

3. Poise: I love a man who can work a room without me fretting and enjoys my ability to work it too.  I love a man who puts me in my place but never in public.

4. Passion: I love a man who believes life’s and love’s adventures must be pursued with gusto and verve.  Importantly I must vibe with his interpretation of passion.  This is also my “looks” category, since physical attraction is part of the puzzle.

5. Smarts:  I love a man who has both street and book smarts, with a slight preference for the former but also has the ability to disguise them both when needed, almost like a superhero!

I rank each on a scale of 0-10 and then double the score.  A total score of zero would imply a dead person.  A score of 100 would imply I am not discerning enough.

Here is what I have discovered based on limited beta testing . . .

A COPPS Criteria score (after the initial date) of 75 or above indicates favorable possibilities . . . keep at it.   A score below 75 usually means . . . keep on looking.

You can even create your own COPPS criteria by simply making the “C” stand for custom.  You decide what that letter stands for and what it means to you.  If you like the other four but the definitions do not speak to you, alter them a bit, since it is not the letters as much as how we interpret them that will make the difference.

Heck come up with your own five criteria and name it what you will . . . above all else, experiment.

And finally, there is no such thing as finding the “one.”  There are many “ones” and this is one way I am engaging in a process that used to be less mindful and purposeful, a process that used to focus too heavily on the Passion criteria, blinding me to a more holistic approach to falling in love.

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If you have any questions about coaching please feel free to contact me at scott@kineticcoaching.co, and remember I always offer a complimentary 30-45 minute session to prospective clients to determine if we want to work together.