May 28th, 2013
My Anger Closet
I have gone almost 14 months without writing a blog about Star Trek . . . a miracle.
The second installment in the new Star Trek film series (much like the second in the original TV and film series of my youth) introduces us to the evil Khan, a villain so vile and so cunning that it takes death and rebirth, twice, to overcome him.
His evil is perfection, like his hair.
As a boy Khan scared me more than Darth Vader. I mean Vader’s mask, that silly voice (spoken into a vase or so I thought then) and cape just made me giggle. Plus it took George Lucas too long to reveal why Darth was so darn pissed off.
But Khan is so human . . . and we knew the source of his anger beyond his bizarre genetics.
Captain Kirk, in the Shatner series, marooned him on a planet, a planet that suffered hardships causing death and destruction to his people. Even the new series gives some justification for his constant maleficence, else these movies would be less gripping.
I remember in the early 1980s, even at 11 years old, I “got” why Khan wanted to avenge his losses and that scared me. Anger is enhanced by (and sometimes caused by) fear, just ask Yoda.
You see, I was an angry boy (among many other things).
Angry that I was told I was too animated, people always “shhhhing” me.
Angry that my parents divorced.
Angry that I blamed myself for the divorce.
Angry that I was constantly told how to express my emotions.
Angry that I felt I could not talk about my sexuality.
OMG I related to Khan. (OMG I just wrote OMG!)
I felt boxed in, misunderstood and that produced the anger. It was exhausting.
I was like Khan. But, unlike Khan I started to come out of my behavioral and genetic closets in my 20s and 30s.
I am now in my 40s and closets remain . . .
For example, I am still working on coming out of the anger closet. I am very uncomfortable with anger now that I have dealt with so many of its sources. It’s fascinating how I am angry at anger when I see it in others or I start to feel it.
This past week I got a bit angry with someone who was not performing his job in the way I thought would be the most effective. Then I felt guilty for feeling what I felt!
Still a little boy at times.
I have worked so hard on dealing with what has caused my anger that I think I have started to view anger as “bad” and not as normal.
Let me pronounce it here and now . . . anger is normal!
I am not Khan. His anger was omnipresent, and mine is fleeting and situational. And if I choose, it can be followed by proper introspection and growth.
The reasons I felt it as a boy are no longer salient.
And heck, there are plenty of reasons to feel this very human emotion.
Even Spock does!
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