I was walking along the sidewalk the other day eavesdropping on a conversation taking place a few paces behind me.  Two young women were criticizing an absent third woman for not knowing the difference between selfless and selfish behavior.

The Difference

We are taught from an early age that selfless is always good and selfish is always bad.

And on the surface these two inclinations/behaviors seem worlds apart.  This is true if we are discussing a person’s selfless or selfish intentions.  Sadly though, and all too often, the result of excessive selfishness or excessive selflessness is exactly the same, damaged relationships and dissatisfied lives. 

Self-Care should be the goal for all of us at home and at work.  It is that moderate zone we choose to live in where the wants of everyone are promoted when possible or desired, including your own.

Perhaps viewing it this way will help . . .

Selfless……………………..….Self-Care…………………………….Selfish

If you are tempted by extremes you will either have people frustrated with you all the time (if you are prone to the selfish) or you frustrated with them all the time (if you are prone to the selfless).

The Burn-Out Triangle

Here is how the extremes play out at work.

Let’s say you manage people and your employees constantly come to you with problems or concerns.  What is your typical response?

Solve the problem I suspect.

Why?  Either 1) out of selfish motives because you want to have the problem solved quickly (and you think you know the solutions) and move on to bigger and better problems or 2) out of selfless motives because you have a burning desire to help, serve, and solve.

Go ahead and live in either the selfish or selfless zone and I guarantee you will experience The Burnout Triangle.  The Burnout Triangle is so tempting; it beckons us.  And for a short time it’s wonderful to spend time on top of this two-dimensional triangle.

Here is how it works:  As people require things from you, you allow them to climb either side of the triangle to meet you.  But there is only room for one of you at the top.  So you solve their problems and send them back down to the bottom, where they remain dependent on your help.

The problem is you too soon join them at the bottom, exhausted from helping, solving and serving if you are selfless, or exhausted from using people and burning bridges if you are selfish.  You cannot take it any longer and lash out, burnout, and quit the whole mess.

Your selfless or selfish way of life is not sustainable.  In fact, they produce the same result.

Many times in my professional career and professional life I have existed within the selfish and/or selfless zones.  Sometimes I just wanted to help everyone to feel valued, smart, and giving.  Still other times I wanted the pot at the end of the rainbow regardless of whom I ran over to get it.  And if I am being entirely frank many times I tried to manage both extremes.

I assure you it never ends well.

The self-care zone is about boundaried help, support, and mutual problem solving.  At its highest level, when we learn the skills of self-care, and exude its behaviors, we live comfortably when we do not have all the answers and freely acknowledge that control is illusory and overrated anyway.

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If you have any questions about coaching please feel free to contact me at scott@kineticcoaching.co, and remember I always offer a complimentary 30-45 minute session to prospective clients to determine if we want to work together.