The wisdom of children.  My nephews in foreground and nieces in background.

I just returned from a New Jersey family wedding, capping off three weeks of wedding celebrations, my own and my cousin’s.  Hers was an Italian feast and dessert lover’s dream.  Imagine a “cocktail hour” at the end of the evening filled with every imaginable sugary treat.

It was Willie Wonka’s factory on performance enhancing drugs. Delish!

Well it took my cousin’s day to help me sort out and sort through the blur of my own day.  Slowly it’s coming into focus.  And this blog will help it along further . . .

My Pre-Wedding Jitters

I suffered from massive pre-wedding jitters.  I hardly slept the week before.  And it had nothing to do with my partner (I will let the cat out of the bag . . . we actually married a few months ago in a quiet ceremony with extremely close family and friends).  So the real marriage was peaceful, the wedding 16 weeks later was panning out to be a a 12-hour frenetic, fun and for some reason frightful celebration.

At first I assumed I was jittery because I knew certain members of our combined families were either unable (because of death) or unwilling (because of distance and perspective) to attend.  I thought the day would feel incomplete and I had no control over that outcome.

But then I went deeper for a more complete explanation.  I was also jittery because my own internalized homophobia almost convinced me that big weddings are silly and girly.  I have my husband to thank for reminding me that no matter how “out” we are, the homophobic demon resides in most of us.  Being gay is not a choice, what is a choice is allowing that demon to win.

With my partner’s help and with the help of so many straight allies in our lives, we chose to challenge that demon in hand-to-hand combat.  (Spoiler alert: we won!).

I suspect, gay or straight, you have closets that require coming out of, on a regular basis. It sure is nice to have support to make that happen.

The Wedding Day

Three highlights to share with a lesson attached to each.

First, my 15-year-old nieces each gave thoughtful and moving speeches at the ceremony.  And my young nephews were our ushers, decked out in white coats, bow ties (see pic), and all the courtesy they could muster as they escorted their elders down the aisle.

Each one reminds me to acknowledge and celebrate the wisdom of children.  We have so much to learn, even from hormonal teens!

Second, my sister’s best “man” toast was remarkable.  Among other beautiful gestures including speaking in my husband’s native tongue, she weaved, throughout her oration, journal entries from my deceased mother who, 20 years ago, wrote extensively on relationships and marriage.  Here are some of her goodies (my thoughts in parentheses):

1. You cannot become what others want and be happy, so be true to yourself. (Your gay son (closeted when you died) salutes that perspective.  Thanks Mom!)
2. Never lose sight of who you are.  (It happens a lot to most of us, the key is to re-focus faster each time.)
3. Go wherever your feet lead you. (But have a flexible plan of action and an eye on a suitable destination for you.)
4. Know that you are loved, by me, if by no one else.  (I love you too Mom, forever.)
5. Be happy. (Practice happiness so you can be it)
6. Have faith in each other. Communicate.  Trust.  Have sensitivity to each other’s needs. (For once, nothing to add Mom.)
7. Listen to your heart and have faith in yourself, in life, and in God.  (Working on faith Mom, promise.)

And third, and most important, thank God for unanswered prayers (and for Garth Brooks for reminding me).

Many years ago I was in a long-term gay relationship before the hearts, the minds, and the laws of America began to change.  Because my ex was not an American we lacked the same path to legal residency afforded then only to straight bi-national couples (not an issue for my husband and me now, and yes I have a thing for a man with an accent.).

So back in the early 2000s how I wished and prayed for what I assumed would have made our relationship less volatile and difficult:  marriage equality.

After our breakup I blamed George W. Bush, my job, straight people, and anything/anyone else I could think of except for us.

Taking responsibility was a process, and after about 30 months, and with the help of many people (it takes a village to raise a child and to heal from a breakup), I was ready to see the whole picture.  We were both good people who grew apart and failed to work through the difficult times.  Both better off in new adventures.

Commitment takes time, practice, and has many forms.  And although I am thankful for the right to marry, the vows we all pledge on our wedding days, if we desire healthy and nurturing partnerships, are merely a prelude to the actions required to support those vows.

With hard-fought rights come extensive responsibilities.  We should all, gay or straight, take them seriously.

Thanks to everyone who fought to make “our special day” feel and actually be just like everyone else’s “special days”.  We vow to act accordingly.

—

If you have any questions about coaching please feel free to contact me at scott@kineticcoaching.co, and remember I always offer a complimentary 30-45 minute session to prospective clients to determine if we want to work together.