(audio version available at the end of this post)

Mother’s Day is a wonderful holiday.

I noticed on Sunday how so many people use social media to celebrate their mothers, dead or alive. They post pictures and tell stories. It is both healing and generous to do so.

However, this same public display of affection may make the day even harder for kids without moms (and let’s face it, regardless of our age, we often feel like kids when with or thinking about our moms).  It is a reminder that may cause anxiety, anger, or sadness.

And that is ok if you have a plan.

Feel It and Reappraise

For those people still struggling with the sadness and bitterness of loss here is what you can do.

First, do not pretend to feel better before you do.  Feel the pain with loved ones who care about you.

Second, no one is around to listen?  Then talk to your mom posthumously. I have no idea if she will hear you, but I know the process of working through, out loud, how I felt after my mom passed helped me to move on.  Or try writing.  The research on the power of written reflection to overcome loss is vast.

Venting and reliving bad times is not the aim here. Reappraising and reassessing the sadness and bitterness will help you heal and grow.  Discover your life lessons.

And that’s the point. Many people grow after tragedy strikes. Usually it happens because they engage in a process of reevaluating their lives and the incident that caused the trauma.

If the pain never seems to lessen (say after 6 months) seek out a qualified therapist to help you process and, if the therapist is competent, to help you make the ordeal a growth and revelatory experience.

And finally, and this can be the hardest part, remember to develop a realistic appraisal of your loved one who has died.

For instance my mother was no saint. She was prone to self promotion, impatience, and excessive frugality. Ha!  The acorn does not fall far from the tree.

She was also an extraordinary source of comfort, inspiration, and wisdom . . .  while alive and 21 years after life.

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