(audio version available at the end of this post)

Last time we explored stress.  A book by Kelly McGonigal entitled The Upside of Stress challenges the conventional wisdom that assumes all stress is hazardous to our health.

She argues that instead of viewing stress as evil, in fact stress arises when something we care about is at stake.   But last week I asked, “Can we care too much?”  I believe the answer is yes.  So I explored three postures, postures that warn us when stress (or caring) can lead to burnout.

These burnout postures involve 1) always jumping in and trying to solve everyone else’s problems, 2) always feeling so special and capable that we try to take on too much all the time, and 3) always getting so angry when we perceive an injustice that it clouds our perspective and usually damages our relationships.

What Our Muscles Teach Us About Stress

I despise the word always!  When I was a personal trainer I urged my clients to stress their muscles and then to recuperate (rest) and eat well so that their bodies have the time to transform (slowly but surely).

I believe it is the same with stress.  Absolutely go after those things that make your life meaningful and that you care deeply about.  But make sure you are also spending time cultivating joy, amusement, fun, and love in your life.  This “down time” will help you reflect on what you care about and why.

My weeks are spent with dozens of clients and their pursuit of their goals.  Outside the office I require time to myself, time with my husband, and time to rest and recuperate.  I find it helps me grow from the “stress” of my week.

However, this concept of always works in the other direction too.  What if we always avoid stress?

The Last Burnout Posture: Regret Stress 

There are some of you who avoid stress because you think that even a tiny amount will burn you out.  Most of you are wrong.  In fact avoiding stress can create burnout caused by what I call regret stress.  This is the kind of burnout that happens because we never seize moments or opportunities to grow and learn about ourselves and our world.  Regret is the most stressful of all.

Knowing when you are just recuperating from stress vs. avoiding stress out of fear requires . . .

1. Knowledge

Think of your past, and instead of it haunting you, what can it teach you about your stress patterns?  When I find myself watching too much TV, for instance, it usually means I am not trying something for fear I will burnout if I take it on.  Netflix marathons are a wonderful escape from facing our potential.  So too is booze, drugs, sex, shopping, food, etc.  Trust me, I have tried them all (well maybe not shopping since I have a rather banal wardrobe).

2. Experimentation

Let’s embrace the following philosophy of success: I will eschew the ‘always ethic’ and instead embody an “experimental ethic”, one where small steps are applauded regardless if the step takes us up, down, or across.  I had a lot of fear about joining my previous coaching company.  So I resisted the niche obsession so many coaches fall prey to and explored a variety of coaching modalities to determine what suited me and my values.  I took my time, and believe me, some experiments failed.  Soon I learned that lots of 1 to 1 coaching clients (and certain kinds . . . again more experimenting) mixed with some group facilitation is best for me.

3. Partners

I love the word partner. These partners can be of the intimate, familial, friend, or professional variety.  I am talking about relationships that we count on to help keep stress from causing burnout.  And here we must set the example.  How many times have you opened up to a friend about a challenge only to have them then share vulnerabilities with you?  People crave connection with other vulnerable people, it is wired into our DNA, and it is how we have survived and thrived as a species.  Many times in my past my go-it-alone strategies undermined my chances for success, the kind of success that makes life worth living.

Remember fear is neither good nor bad.  It’s life data!  How will you use it?

It is never useful when it precludes us from taking baby steps with trusted allies to experiment our way to a life of caring, meaning, and purpose where stress is welcomed because we know exactly how to balance it with adequate reflection and experimental learning.

—

If you have any questions about coaching please feel free to contact me at scott@kineticcoaching.co, and remember I always offer a complimentary 30-45 minute session to prospective clients to determine if we want to work together.