(audio version available at the end of this blog)

My wise mother used to tell me that everything has a beginning, a middle, and an ending.  No kidding Mom, but why are the endings the hardest of the three for most people?

In my new blog series which focuses on when hiring a coach is the right step to take, I explore a variety of scenarios that may help prospective clients take the plunge.

This scenario produces the most angst because people do not have a system for determining if something should be ended.  Try this one . . . in five steps.

1. Values Violator?

First, make sure you are always filtering your decisions through your core values.  Second, determine if the job, relationship, project, etc. is consistently violating those core values. Then, think carefully . . . because what you are “in” may need to end.

I have had many relationships (work and friends) where it became obvious that our values paths were in different forests.  Best to say “all the best”, for it creates the room we require to build better relationships, ours and theirs.  Frankly, it is an act of mercy for everyone involved.

2. Change the Parameters 

Hold on now!  What happens if we use “values violations” as an excuse to throw away a great thing or person.  So before we become cavalier with the values violator option, I recommend creating boundaries around the relationship in question.  This will create the space required to determine your next course of action.

Oh how I have screwed this one up so many times in my life related to my work.  Instead of having a frank conversation about responsibility boundaries with a boss I would instead take it all on in a superman-like fashion and then blow up in a moral indignation conflagration when I became overwhelmed.

Choosing to have a frank conversation with a boss, friend, lover, or colleague about boundary building has the potential to alleviate the constant tension and the righteousness.  It promotes sound and pragmatic strategies, it reduces drama, and it enhances the likelihood that, if we still want to leave, our exits are amiable.

3. Timing is Everything

In the moment, when we are constantly conflicted about our next step, time seems to stand still.  Although counterintuitive, this is precisely when patience is a virtue.  Prudence is a critical strength.  It incentivizes wise decision making and reduces knee-jerk reactions that can cause harm.

Take the time to assess if the change would prevent you from learning a heck of a lot about yourself and how you respond to crisis and change.

Remember, however, that suffering is over-rated, especially when the lesson has already been learned and it is time to move forward.  Just be sure something “forward” is possible before you jump ship.  A wise friend once told me, “Sometimes doing nothing is the best course of action.”  If we choose, waiting is a strategy that may promote growth.

4. Perspective Paralysis

Think back to the last time you faced a crisis in your life.  How clear were you thinking in that moment?  When confronted with a difficult decision we must challenge our interpretation of events.  Our incomplete perspective can ruin our chances for the desired outcome.

I was an impulsive and opinionated young man.  When I worked with my first start-up I had strong opinions about what was right and what was wrong (with just about everything).  I have learned over the years that strong opinions actually reduce our opportunities for making wise decisions during crisis situations.  It also increases the likelihood that drama will follow us wherever we go.

So before getting up on your high horse, slow down so you can assess if what you are seeing and hearing captures the fullness of your reality.  Become your own best defense attorney and challenge your own perspective.

5. This is Hard Work

For many of us, before we can go after what it is in life we want, we must first let go of those things that no longer serve our interests.  The decisions you make here are critical and the coaching process can save you time, energy, and money, and it will also preserve vital personal and professional relationships.

Remember letting go is hard, so make sure you have the help of a coach so you may thrive in the face of your challenges.

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If you have any questions about coaching please feel free to contact me at scott@kineticcoaching.co, and remember I always offer a complimentary 30-45 minute session to prospective clients to determine if we want to work together.