(audio version available at the end of this blog)

I’d like to think I am a provocative coach.  So before my clients dive into achieving their goals, I spend time teaching them about the critical connection between goal achievement and happiness.

So far in this blog series we have surveyed a whole host of reasons to hire a coach.  This one is the most important to me.  It changed my own life and I have seen it change the lives of so many clients.

Some background . . .

I grew up a very unhappy child.  Seems almost crazy now when I look back.  I had wonderful parents with more good parenting instincts than bad.  My older sister, although prone to enhanced interrogation techniques, largely left me alone.  I had supportive grandparents and a network of Italian-Americans to help take care of me.  My school life was normal and productive.  I played sports well, had friends, and enjoyed a neighborhood filled with interesting characters.

Then why so unhappy?  Sure some of it was related to my struggles with my sexual orientation. But at 3 years old, or 5, or 7?  I doubt it.  Back then I was known as “Old Crying Charlie”.

So if nurture was not the issue, surely nature was to blame (or so I and millions are made to believe).  I was born with what psychologists call a low positive affect.  In layman’s terms . . . I was glass half empty guy.  And although I have always had reserves of energy capable of fueling small European countries, my energy did not produce much happiness.

I felt unhappy or at the very least restless, and slight disgruntled the majority of my life.  Heck, “it is just the way I feel”, I thought back then.

After an ex and I broke up several years ago I began to question my assumptions about the way I was born.   I was convinced I had a choice, a choice to pursue and experience happiness.  But I needed evidence to support my hypothesis.

I had no idea where to start, so I created a self research project.  I read innumerable articles and books about the science of well-being.  As I did, one profound thought kept creeping into my consciousness:  Feelings are not just hard wired into our brains.  What we do and how we act influence those feelings.  This influence certainly varies from person to person.  I just knew though that pursuing well-being and happiness was a worthy experiment.

Finally after all of the book learning I stumbled upon a construct for well-being that speaks to me.  In short, you cannot read your way into happiness.  You have to practice it from a variety of angles.

Once I began to live by this construct, my life, on the inside and the outside, began to change.

The construct comes from the field of positive psychology.  These researchers and scholars are interested in what makes some people thrive while others flounder (see Martin Seligman’s book entitled Flourish).

The construct is called PERMA, and almost without exception, my clients and I practice PERMA each day.  Oh it’s not a cult, because my PERMA is very different from yours.  Most importantly, and this is a point which is often missed by so many practitioners and researchers, living a PERMA life means we are happier during and when we achieve goals.  Happiness is cultivated and it makes goal achievement more likely.  In short, a life of amazing achievement requires well-being.

Thank goodness because we all know miserable people who achieve incredible goals. They are the exception, not the rule.

So what does PERMA stand for . . .

P = Positive Emotions

How do you cultivate joy, hope, pride, or interest in your life each day?  PERMA is about practicing by doing.  My clients and I create innovative activities to make sure we never forget that positive emotions are forged when we engage in activities that make us more likely to feel them.

E = Engagement

How do you zone into your life each day?  What activities make you lose track of time, making two hours seem like ten minutes?  Start doing these types of things!

It is not enough just to chase after positive emotions, for we must find things to do that absorb our faculties.  The more engaged, the more likely we use our strengths to live the way we want.

R = Relationships (the win-win kind)

Think about the five people with whom you spend the most time each week.  How likely are these people to increase your positive emotions and feelings of engagement?  Comprehensive well-being means choosing the right people for you and letting go of the wrong people for you.

One of the hardest things you will ever do in your life is exiting a relationship that no longer serves your happiness. And if you want to take the advanced placement PERMA class?  Try accepting it when other people do this to you and then acknowledge it was best for them.  Probably you were, or are, not that PERMA, hence the exit.

M = Meaning and Purpose

When we start to see the ebb and flow of relationships in a new light it opens us up to search for and find greater meaning and purpose in our own lives.  Once we stop thinking we are the center of the universe, and stop judging all that other people do, we develop a strong sense of curiosity.  Curiosity is far superior to judgment.

This curiosity helps us to cultivate meaning and purpose by exploring new ways to affect our world.  I may choose to explore religion and you may choose to pursue yoga.  The point of each is to create opportunities for greater meaning and purpose.  Resist us vs. them thinking and acting.

A = Achievement

I love to talk about “goose bump” achievements.  As I argued last time, we all have goals, even if those goals involve finding ways to stop pursuing mindless achievement.  Pursuing for the sake of pursuing is folly.  Make sure the goals you set and the steps you take to reach them make your heart sing.  They should stretch your mind and body.

And you do not have to run a marathon to get goose bumps.  Often the secret is to fortify the steps of your goal with a ton of PERM, thereby ensuring your sense of pride in a job well done.  Cleaning your house can be goose bump generating (it is for me when I do it listening to my Neil Diamond Pandora station!).

My clients and I live a PERMA life.  We want to feel a certain way so we focus on five areas of well-being to make it more likely we will succeed.  We still experience pain, sadness, anxiety, and anger.  But trust me, those feelings do not last as long, are not as deeply felt, and do not derail us long-term.  PERMA makes that virtually impossible.

Slowly but surely, and with no magic nonsense or quick fixes, PERMA changed my life.  PERMA is about experiences that make us feel better and live better.  Old Crying Charlie is a permanent part of my past, a past I am not destined to relive, over and over again.

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If you have any questions about coaching please feel free to contact me at scott@kineticcoaching.co, and remember I always offer a complimentary 30-45 minute session to prospective clients to determine if we want to work together.