Abstract:

Resist the urge to solve other people’s problems.  Learn to admit when you do not know how or what would help.  And if you really want to get deep, admit when you would not want to help even if you did know how!

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OK, the title of this week’s blog is fancy.  If we translate this title into everyday language then it becomes the three hardest words for humans to say.

Wrong.  It is not “I love you.”  It’s “I don’t know.”

Recently I was asked by a former colleague, after she briefly explained to me a very perplexing conundrum, to tell her what I would do if I were her?

My answer, “I don’t know.”  I just did not have all the facts required to help.  Plus, I am not her and never will be her (although thankfully I have my share of feminine energy) so I am unsure how my opinion would have actually helped.

As a coach, as a teacher, as an uncle, and as a friend I am presented with innumerable opportunities to direct, to instruct, and to advise.  Equally and more importantly I am still learning to admit when I do not have enough information to build a sound inference (that’s teacher talk for I don’t know . . . yet).

Philosophers call it epistemological modesty . . . modest in the face of what we do not know.

So what compels us to give answers when we do not have enough information to go on?

First of all, perhaps we want to seem knowledgeable or sagacious (i.e. keen, sharp) in order to impress. Second, perhaps we possess that helpful gene and love the title of “problem-solver.”

The reasons we do it are not necessarily for nefarious or manipulative reasons.

So what is the big deal?

People who are always helping may prevent others from helping themselves, creating a personal culture of dependency.  For sure you must discover the balance here, but many people reach levels of emotional and physical exhaustion because they interject themselves in situations where they do not belong, all the time.

This week I challenge you to help a friend or family member by confessing when you require more information before offering help.  Ask lots of questions from a posture of curiosity and assume nothing since that may be your greatest contribution to them and to you.  Admit when you are remaining open to possibilities because the evidence is lacking.  Help them help themselves.

There is no guarantee your questions will help the person from his/her perspective, but in the long run you will help yourself become far more interesting, honest, and modest.

And chances are your questions will help to reveal solutions without you having to do all the heavy lifting . . . but then again, I don’t know.  Ha!

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If you have any questions about coaching please feel free to contact me at scott@kineticcoaching.co, and remember I always offer a complimentary 30-45 minute session to prospective clients to determine if we want to work together.