This past week my eleven-year old nephew phoned me when the DOMA decision was announced by the Supreme Court; a decision that thankfully puts another nail in the coffin of institutionalized bigotry.

To my nephew Larson, the idea of two people who love one another not being allowed to marry, well that’s just plain “stupid.”

When I hung up the phone I reflected on my own childhood.  When I turned eleven I remember meeting my cousin Kenneth.

You see, Kenneth was “different.”  He went to college, graduate school, studied anthropology, moved to the Village, and slowly but surely removed himself from the Italian-American fold.

Kenneth was gay.

He was gay when gay meant criminal, when gay meant ostracized, when gay meant faggot, and when gay meant that if you tried hard enough, prayed long enough, you could be “cured.”

For gay people in this era, it was not a time of assumed liberty and the pursuit of happiness, but one of creative liberty and the pursuit of acceptance among others “in the know.”   Unfortunately, this is still true in many places in the USA and around the world.

So back to 1981, my first memory of Kenneth was when I visited my grandmother.  Kenneth’s mom lived upstairs.  He must have been visiting from Missouri or California or New York or the Philippines.  Kenneth lived a life most of us dream of; one of adventure, one of curiosity, one of experimentation.

Kenneth was unlike anyone I had ever met.

I remember he spoke with an affected accent, was absolutely hilarious, incredibly smart, urbane, kind and unfortunately harshly judged by my entire family.

He was an embarrassment.

I remember imitating his voice to my mother on our way home that evening.  We all giggled.

But I knew I was gay too.  I have known it from a very early age, and I just could not be another embarrassment.

I could not let anyone figure it out.  Making fun of those more “gay” than I wanted to be (as if it is a scale!), became commonplace.  Now, I was not beating anyone up, but psychological abuse is often far more damaging than the physical.  This is especially true for those partaking in the abuse to shield themselves from self-understanding and self-acceptance.

Soon after my visit, Kenneth found the love of his life.  And then just three months later he was diagnosed with HIV, a virus that ravaged the gay community first before it infected millions regardless of orientation.

These days, fancy drugs are the only reason you may not know someone you love who has died of AIDS.

Kenneth told his partner to leave him.  He told him that he would be in for a rocky year or two before death would take him.  His partner, Peter, refused and nursed Kenneth for the next three years.  He stayed by his side the entire time.

It is amazing what loving couples do for one another when times get very rough.

In the late 1980s Kenneth died.  We never heard back then how he was buried.

I finally met Peter in 2009, 21 years after Kenneth’s passing, and just over ten years since I had come out.

I wanted to say thank you.  I wanted to apologize for my family’s intolerance and bigotry, and most importantly I wanted to apologize for my own intolerance and bigotry.

BTW, Kenneth’s ashes were scattered into the Pacific Ocean, just as he wanted.  Peter took care of all of the details.

So this week my thoughts are all over the place.  I cannot believe the change I have witnessed in my lifetime.  Remember when Will and Grace was controversial?  Now it seems every show on TV is gay!

It is a time to celebrate this incredible cultural and political shift that has taken place in the USA.

I want to dedicate the DOMA decision to my cousin Kenneth.  Men and women like Kenneth laid the ground-work, fought the battles when victory was absolutely illusory, and who died trying to make others understand that our common humanity means we are all just right, exactly the way we are.

I also want to dedicate this decision to my nephew.

He makes his uncle proud!  His acceptance and love of me helps me to continue coming out in all ways as I urge all of you to come out whether you are gay, bi, transgendered or straight.

Come out and date the person you always wanted to date (or at least try).  Come out and attend the school you always wanted to attend.  Come out and apply for the job or start the business you always wanted.  Come out and be you in all situations, at all times, with all people.

And please thank those who helped you to learn this lesson.

Kenneth and Larson . . . Thank you!

—

If you have any questions about coaching please feel free to contact me at scott@kineticcoaching.co, and remember I always offer a complimentary 30-45 minute session to prospective clients to determine if we want to work together.