(audio version available at the end of this blog)

Many people are unhappy because the paths they travel to experience emotional well-being are ill-advised.  The wrong path choice creates less well-being.  And research shows that those who experience less are less likely to achieve their goals in life.

This past week a brand new cohort of Success U students began their journey of achievement, achievement and well-being.  Trust me, they are an inspiring group of twelve students.

Our first module was all about PERMA.  If you are a regular reader you know I love PERMA.  It’s a construct for emotional well-being, created after years of research by psychologist Martin Seligman and all of the positive psychologists around the world.

And it’s so simple. Frankly that is probably the secondary reason why many people are unhappy for they think that only giant gestures produce happiness.

The point of PERMA is doing, doing things that cultivate each element (letter) each day of our lives.  PERMA stands for . . .

P = Positive Emotions

E = Engagement

R = Relationships

M = Meaning and Purpose

A = Achievement

The Success U homework assignment for this module is to practice PERMA.  I suggest dozens of great PERMA pursuits and then the students are off to the races, exploring their lives and their own well-being.

And I am practicing what I teach.

Scott’s Gratitude “Visit” 

During class I showed my students the power of the gratitude visit.  Research shows that people who write a letter of gratitude to someone deserving receive a significant boost of well-being that last months into the future (lots of P, E, R, M and A in fact).

Here is the catch:  You have to write it, hand deliver it, and read it to that person without them knowing the purpose of your visit.  You do this slowly and in a private space.  No interruptions are permitted.  After you complete the letter you can spend as much time as you like with the person sharing the experience.

I believe in experiential learning and I wanted to demonstrate the power of the gratitude visit to my students.  At first I thought I would surprise one student in the class (some of whom I know quite well), have them come up to the front of the room, and slowly read my letter to them.  But I thought that person would then be singled out as the teacher’s pet!

So instead I chose one person to be a proxy, a proxy for my mother.  My mother died two decades ago, before the research on the gratitude visit, and before positive psychology.  This student sat across from me as I slowly read my letter in front of the entire class to “my mother” (the following is a portion of what I wrote).

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Dear Mom,

I am grateful to you for so many of the wonderful times we shared as mother and son. 

Here are just some of the innumerable highlights:

1. When the doctors told you your boy required pills to “control” his exuberant personality, your response was, “No thanks, I will try parenting.”  I am grateful.

2. When I felt so much pain as a teenager, you responded with love, patience, and wisdom.  We talked, we explored, we sought help, and you never accepted hiding the pain.  I am grateful.

3. When you decided to divorce dad, instead of using it as a time to become self-absorbed, you instituted weekly family meetings, meetings where we talked about our reality and our feelings.  I am grateful.

4. When I got myself all up in a frenzy as a boy you always managed to calm me down, to validate my feelings, to help me cope with all I felt (and God knows I felt a lot and still do), cope too with all the passion I wanted to explore, and all the things I wanted to experience.  I am grateful.

5. And although I never revealed my greatest secret to you back then, my orientation, I know if you were alive today you would be the president of PFLAG (Note to my readers: PFLAG is a support and advocacy group for parents and friends of the LGBT community), you would have written to every congressman, president, and Supreme Court justice in defense of your son. I am grateful. 

Thank you for your remarkable skills, for always making me feel like our time together was important to you.  Thank you for being real about the challenges we faced as a single parent family.  Thank you for making my childhood one of the greatest adventures a little boy with a huge imagination, a huge personality, and a huge ego could ever dream of. 

I love you, always and forever.

Your son, 

Scott 

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The point of the gratitude visit is not to have a balanced assessment of the person (trust me my mother was as flawed as you or I).

The purpose is to trust in the power of gratitude to get you out of your own head, to realize that going it alone in life is folly, and to do something right now to improve your emotional well-being and then watch it last for months and months.

Below are more blogs related to the 7 modules of Success U . . .

Practice Your Strengths

All Values Are Not Created Equal

SMART Goals May Be Hazardous to Your Health

Physical and Emotional Well-Being

Values Violators

A Philosophy for Success

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If you have any questions about coaching please feel free to contact me at scott@kineticcoaching.co, and remember I always offer a complimentary 30-45 minute session to prospective clients to determine if we want to work together.