(audio version available at the end of this post)

I grew up believing that my “way” was the only way. My good friend in high school used to tease me saying I lived by an undocumented, dogmatic, and ever-changing code he called “Scott’s Book of Life.”

That “book” made it very easy for me to judge the actions of others without ever facing my own insecurities (and my own demons).

A “my way or the highway” ethic hijacked my potential for establishing flourishing relationships.  Soon I realized something had to give . . . I had to give!

Evaluating vs. Judging

So I went on a journey (and the journey continues!) to evaluate more and judge less.  First let’s define these terms.

Evaluate: I want to make decisions and choose friends based on what I value and on how others contribute to my well-being, both emotional and physical.  I also want to contribute to the well-being of others.  When I evaluate I am usually we-centric.

Judge:  I do not want to partake in mean-spirited/judgy attacks on people.  These are usually rooted in my own personal insecurities.  When I judge I am usually me-centric.

Here are some ways to differentiate . . .

If I were to go out on a date (now we are talking pre-marriage here!), for example, and that date’s interpersonal abilities are unattractive to me, to what extent am I judgy?  If it is about what I want in a partner then I say I am mostly evaluating here.  We all should have a better understanding of a potential partner’s congruent strengths.

But if I find myself uncomfortable and catty, say in the presence of an attractive or wealthy or charismatic friend, then hmm, this is most likely related to my potential feelings of inadequacy.  More “judgy”!

It also fascinates me that to this day how, when I am in the presence of someone with high levels of energy, I often judge.  Funny how we judge those people who exhibit qualities/attributes we sometimes find uncomfortable in ourselves.

I think we begin to piece together the judge vs. evaluate puzzle when we ask ourselves:  How much of this is about me and my own “stuff” vs. how much is about a relatively open-minded evaluation of the other person/thing/idea?  If it is all about you, then explore your personal insecurities and your “judgy” behavior will begin to subside.

Flawed is Fabulous

Tal Ben-Shahar, an outstanding psychologist, reminds us that giving ourselves the “permission to be human” affords us the mental space to do the same with our family, friends, and colleagues.  We are designed imperfectly and we have evolved imperfectly.

I would argue this permission also promotes an experimental ethic that implores us to explore our world from an evaluative perspective.

This week stop judging yourself and stop judging others.  Instead, start to evaluate who you are and who you want to become and with whom you want to share the journey.

—

If you have any questions about coaching please feel free to contact me at scott@kineticcoaching.co, and remember I always offer a complimentary 30-45 minute session to prospective clients to determine if we want to work together.