I have had a very colorful and varied history with on-line dating.

When I explored it for the first time in 2009 I felt ten years behind the times (honestly I often feel ten years behind the times).

From 1999-2009 I was in a monogamous relationship so the on-line dating “movement” escaped me.  I did not think about it and when friends discussed the ins and outs of it, well I was curious, but indifferent, like when friends talk about life in the suburbs . . . good for you but not for me.

But then I became a swinging bachelor.  

Back then and to a certain degree now, when I try something new I do it with both gusto and a ton of boyish curiosity.

On-line dating was no different.  Frankly I felt like a kid in a candy store.

At first, it seemed healthy.  I remember almost from the beginning I met the coolest guys.  I thought, “How can this happen so quickly?”  The “quickly” part was the danger for me.

Before on-line possibilities I would meet dates in all kinds of places: bars, trains, stores, through friends, the gym, walking through town.  But it was a time-consuming process, and that process facilitated introspection.

From 2009 it was a whirlwind of activity to be candid.  I am blessed with dating confidence and I had very cute parents, so my experience was frenetic!

But the whirlwind was often a short-term palliative, creating an avoidance to face the pain of long-term relationship rejection (LTRR).  And there were both physical and emotional consequences . . . lots of drama and lots of distraction.

I would look at profiles with a 95% focus on the physical and 5% on whatever else you can glean from their personality based on the written blurbs.

I even became an expert on fashioning a profile that would maximize my potential to meet people. I would experiment with my pictures, the stories in my profile, even my age.  It felt like a fun marketing project.  And the narcissism of “selling” me?  Well that was right up my alley.

Sometimes I would stop as a way to practice some degree of self-regulation.  I would cycle in and out of the on-line dating world, taking time to assess my motives.

That’s what I told myself, anyway.  I was really stopping because I felt the whole thing was getting incredibly addictive and unhealthy for me.

But now that my LTRR is no longer framed as such and I feel wide open to love, I have cycled back in.  Still looking for the love and the companionship, but noticing how I am spending a lot more time chatting and reading profiles carefully and a lot less time manipulating my profile.

The sense of urgency is gone, replaced by a sense of confidence and clarity in why I want to date in the first place.  Being on-line was never the problem, it was my frame of mind as I engaged in the process.

Do not get me wrong, the physical still matters (I am a guy after all).

But the whirlwind has settled down and when “it” happens, well, it no longer has to be tonight.  “It” can last for such a long time if we choose.

So I know “it” is right around the corner.  And gosh I am excited for that!

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If you have any questions about coaching please feel free to contact me at scott@kineticcoaching.co, and remember I always offer a complimentary 30-45 minute session to prospective clients to determine if we want to work together.