The Kinetic Blog

May 28th, 2013

My Anger Closet

I have gone almost 14 months without writing a blog about Star Trek . . . a miracle.

The second installment in the new Star Trek film series (much like the second in the original TV and film series of my youth) introduces us to the evil Khan, a villain so vile and so cunning that it takes death and rebirth, twice, to overcome him.

His evil is perfection, like his hair.

As a boy Khan scared me more than Darth Vader.  I mean Vader’s mask, that silly voice (spoken into a vase or so I thought then) and cape just made me giggle.  Plus it took George Lucas too long to reveal why Darth was so darn pissed off.

But Khan is so human . . . and we knew the source of his anger beyond his bizarre genetics.

Captain Kirk, in the Shatner series, marooned him on a planet, a planet that suffered hardships causing death and destruction to his people.  Even the new series gives some justification for his constant maleficence, else these movies would be less gripping.

I remember in the early 1980s, even at 11 years old, I “got” why Khan wanted to avenge his losses and that scared me.  Anger is enhanced by (and sometimes caused by) fear, just ask Yoda.

You see, I was an angry boy (among many other things).

Angry that I was told I was too animated, people always “shhhhing” me.

Angry that my parents divorced.

Angry that I blamed myself for the divorce.

Angry that I was constantly told how to express my emotions.

Angry that I felt I could not talk about my sexuality.

OMG I related to Khan.  (OMG I just wrote OMG!)

I felt boxed in, misunderstood and that produced the anger.  It was exhausting.

I was like Khan.  But, unlike Khan I started to come out of my behavioral and genetic closets in my 20s and 30s.

I am now in my 40s and closets remain .  .  .

For example, I am still working on coming out of the anger closet.  I am very uncomfortable with anger now that I have dealt with so many of its sources. It’s fascinating how I am angry at anger when I see it in others or I start to feel it.

This past week I got a bit angry with someone who was not performing his job in the way I thought would be the most effective.  Then I felt guilty for feeling what I felt!

Still a little boy at times.

I have worked so hard on dealing with what has caused my anger that I think I have started to view anger as “bad” and not as normal.

Let me pronounce it here and now . . . anger is normal!

I am not Khan.  His anger was omnipresent, and mine is fleeting and situational.  And if I choose, it can be followed by proper introspection and growth.

The reasons I felt it as a boy are no longer salient.

And heck, there are plenty of reasons to feel this very human emotion.

Even Spock does!

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