This past week I had an amazing opportunity to speak in front of 15 successful entrepreneurs at a conference in San Francisco.

I ran a professional development session on Win-Win Communication.  I started by asking each participant to think of a challenge faced at work or at home.  Then we spent a great deal of time practicing two simple steps for uncovering potential solutions to the challenge.

First, we learned methods to understand the facts of our partner’s challenge.  Then we learned methods to understand the feelings these facts created in the minds of our partner.

It was a simple exercise in empathy building.  The good news is empathy can be built through effective practice and interaction.

But at one point a participant raised his hand and kindly mentioned that these entrepreneurs were already familiar with these steps.  Inside I chuckled because invariably, when I teach these techniques, I see people committing three mistakes, and this group was no different (nor am I as I catch myself each and every day).

1. Asking lots of questions before we understand the facts and the feelings because we want to seem interested.

2. Assuming we understand the facts and feelings quickly because we want to seem clever.

3. Trying to solve the problem for our partner/colleague/friend because we want to seem helpful.

Sure, we all want to be perceived as interested, clever and helpful.  But next time try this instead.

Be quiet . . .

And if you must speak, simply ask for more information so you can understand the facts and feelings more clearly.

You see our curiosity will allow the other person a chance to work out the relevant facts and feelings for themselves.  By hearing it out loud we lay the foundation for them to “get it” faster and own whatever solution is most prudent for them.

It is laudable to want to help someone solve a problem.  But next time think about how much of that desire is grounded in our own ego.  Instead let’s practice increasing our own capacity for problem-solving curiosity and empathy.

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If you have any questions about coaching please feel free to contact me at scott@kineticcoaching.co, and remember I always offer a complimentary 30-45 minute session to prospective clients to determine if we want to work together.