Abstract:

Empathy vs. Sympathy, so many of us get this wrong at our collective peril!

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Last year I had a memorable session with my coach that I was reminded of this week.

I was sad that day, ruminating about the vexing nature of intimate relationships.  She interrupted my rant (yes, I can rant) and exclaimed, “You are finding comfort in your sadness, it is protecting you, but eventually you will stop looking back and start to focus on the here and now.  And when you are ready we will make enormous progress.”

At first I thought, “Take a walk, who the hell are you?”  Not soon after though the wisdom of those words began the “mountain-moving” process.

Recently I was chatting with a very close friend about challenges she is having in her life.  Of course I was sympathetic, but remember sympathy is not empathy.  The first is an emotional response, the second involves understanding and action.  Sympathy comes mostly from the heart, empathy, from the brain, and a little heart.  Sympathy is “aww”, “sorry”, “I feel bad for you”.  Empathy is “I feel your pain”, and “Now what are you going to do with my understanding?”  In other words, empathy, rooted in a sophisticated cognitive process, is about helping others solve their own darn problems.

Now you must understand I adore this woman.  She is energetic, beautiful, brilliant, and creative.  I wanted to give her the opportunity to discuss her albeit erroneous belief that her past experiences determine her present and future opportunities.

But then I said, “Stop!  Your venting is not helpful.  What is this really about?  I do not have the answer for you, but I believe you are a smarty pants and already know the partial answer so let’s explore it together.”

So “coachy” of me!

I could have received an aggressive and defensive response  . . . The Wrath of Her is almost as bad as The Wrath of Khan, but I did not care.  Instead, knowing that I was there to explore the actual issue(s) was all she needed (I would say wanted) to move forward.

I have no idea what will come of our conversation.  Sometimes empathy means not being nice, but instead admitting you are not convinced by the argument or the sentiment you are hearing.  A therapist once told me, “I am not buying what you are selling Scott.”  That is empathy!  (Initially I wanted to tell him to take a hike too!)

Search for the seemingly hidden meaning for your pain, and accept that “not knowing” means there is a chance to work together with a coach to find a palatable answer based on a more promising reality.

What promising reality could you uncover this week with the help of a coach . . . then for crying out loud, go for it!

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If you have any questions about coaching please feel free to contact me at scott@kineticcoaching.co, and remember I always offer a complimentary 30-45 minute session to prospective clients to determine if we want to work together.