(audio version available at the end of this blog)

This past week the Fall 2014 Success U cohort explored their “Success Saboteurs.”

We call them triggers, and although there are three, let’s just focus on one: Values Violations.

If you spend time evaluating (and reevaluating), defining, and then living your life according to set of core values, you are more likely to navigate the myriad forks in your road with clarity and a sense of purpose.

As such we have spent a great deal of time in Success U crafting values that make each participant’s heart sing (with brain approval!).

The potential hitch?

We become Value Exclusionists.  An example will suffice.

A Value Exclusionist says, “Hey I value balanced experimentation [one of my values].  And if you do not then you are wrong.”

However, what if this other person engages in life from a more prudent posture?  Perhaps for them, allowing the situation to develop without concerted action is the best first approach.

I see this all the time in coaching.  Even after several years in the biz I have to stop myself from judging clients who have a more incremental ethic when it comes to implementing steps that may lead to positive change.  Prudence is not paralysis.

I have another value of discovering the win-win in relationships else I move on.  There are many people who value loyalty more than I who may judge my ability to slide in and out of social circles or social relationships without the slightest hint of guilt if I feel that they or I no longer serve the interests of the other (“interests” broadly defined).  Spending more of my time with people who broaden and build my character does not make me disloyal to those I spend less time with by choice.

And if we really want to grow, think about how many times we violate our own values. Imagine what we can learn about ourselves if we face the common thread(s) weaved within those violations?

Does this mean we are all free to live life by any set of values we want in a 1960s-like free love fashion?  “It’s all good,” as so many 20-somethings say these days.

No.

If a value is not grounded in a virtue feel free to judge away.  Get offended, show anger, and scream injustice, whether you are the subject or the object of the violation.

What are these virtues?

Values that are rooted in courage, humanity, justice, temperance, transcendence, and/or wisdom (or other synonymous virtues), significantly contribute to a success dynamic, success defined as goal achievement that increases our emotional and physical well-being without the crippling cycle of burnout.

Success U students choose to explore these virtuous values and see the value in surrounding themselves as much as possible with others who do as well (as much as possible).

Most people without even knowing it have instincts toward the virtuous values, which is why instead of getting offended when someone is not living like you, just think as one Success U student reminds us, “No one is violating my values here. Our values are just misaligned.”

Then make a decision based on that fact and not some false sense of superiority.  It may mean it’s time to say “let’s find common ground and enjoy our differences concurrently.” Or “all the best to you for I am moving on”.  And moving on may be in your interest or theirs, or both if success is what you are both seeking.

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If you have any questions about coaching please feel free to contact me at scott@kineticcoaching.co, and remember I always offer a complimentary 30-45 minute session to prospective clients to determine if we want to work together.