We are told by the experts to find the win-win in every relationship.  This is sound advice.  But there is one problem.  Sometimes, in this moment,  it not possible.  So stop creating impossible standards and start getting real about the choices you have when faced with difficult people.

An acronym called CARE will help you understand your real-life options.

C: Change the Relationship

This option is often best when we are dealing with family members.  These are the people, given the choice, who we would never choose as friends.  They are the uncles, aunts, cousins, or “married into the family” folks who drive us nuts at family get-togethers.  Maybe it’s their political views, or racial views, or their perspectives on religion.

A former coach of mine used to remind me constantly that boundaries actually set us free.  If you have an uncle who thinks everyone on welfare is a bum, make sure that you avoid conversations about such topics.   If you have an aunt who tries to set you up with every eligible bachelor, then limit your time with your aunt.

In other words, change the nature of the relationship by both limiting your time spent with these people and limiting the topics you discuss with them.

This week identify two people you can practice setting time or topic boundaries around.  See if it preserves a functional relationship.  If you want to stretch your legs, also identify from your past a time someone has used this option on you . . . and why?  Maybe you are just as dogmatic or persistent?

A: Accept the Relationship

This option is best when we are dealing with a boss.  If he is driving us crazy we are letting him drive us crazy.  Instead of spending time hating and complaining, look for a new job or network more frequently with friends and colleagues.  In the meantime accept him for who he is at work.

Accepting does not mean giving up.  It means there are constraints you are faced with that make it impossible to change the relationship by limiting the time spent or the topics shared with the person.  In truth the conversations with him about his behavior have had no effect, or he is unwilling to engage in these types of open discussions in the first place.

This week accept that in this moment, your relationship with another person “is what it is.”  And if you want to go even deeper, then think about when other people have thought the same about their relationship with you, and why?  How unwilling are you to hear some constructive criticism?

R: Reframe the Relationship

This is a great option before we give up on a close friend.  So many successful friendships are thrown away before reframing is ever tried.  We feel mistreated or hurt and then we exaggerate the circumstances.  So consider, to what extent you are catastrophizing? How badly were you treated in the first place?  Perhaps it was more about a failed attempt to spare your feelings.  Your understanding may be mostly wrong.  Reframe it to make it mostly right for you and them.

And remember that closeness is variable.  Some great friendships wax and wane.  Ultimately the greatest reframe may be your realization that at different times not everyone is up for the “why I am hurt“ conversation.

This week think about a friend who deserves a break from your judgment.  For those who want an advanced assignment:  Think of another friend who you deserve a break from their judgment.  What can you do to repair the damage?  A little reframe may be the best course of action.

E: Exit the Relationship

But sometimes the damage is not worth repairing.  Not every relationship can become a win-win.  We can try changing, accepting, and reframing until we are blue in the face without a win-win result.  So then it is best to end the relationship.  This is not necessarily a permanent posture since, in the future, opportunities to reengage may present themselves.

Think about last time someone broke up with you.  Your intimate partner was, in effect, exiting the relationship.

When this happens we usually engage in three activities (in no particular order).  First we get sad, cry, and blame ourselves, or them.  Next we get angry with the person and identify all of their foibles.  Finally, we wonder what the heck we were thinking ever dating them in first place.  In short we realize that the outcome, however difficult, was eventually best for us.

True evolution comes in the next step.  I challenge you this week to spend time identifying why it was best for them to exit the relationship.  Maybe your stuff was not worth it to them in that moment.

There is not an ideal win-win in every relationship.  Some are extremely difficult; they require boundaries, limitations, deeper understanding, or letting go.  Put yourself in the other person’s shoes to identify how the CARE construct can help you deal with others and others deal with you.

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If you have any questions about coaching please feel free to contact me at scott@kineticcoaching.co, and remember I always offer a complimentary 30-45 minute session to prospective clients to determine if we want to work together.